DarkSpear

I didn’t win the iPod Video at the Blog Parteeh.

So me, Karla, Aaron and Ajay went
around looking for a Starbucks after the event, so we’d have some
drinks to match our newly-acquired half-dozen boxes of Krispy Kreme
donuts. And I also wanted to drink away my iPod-induced misery.

Unfortunately, we weren’t able to find a Starbucks, but we did find a quaint little place where thet had good cappuccinos.

AARON: There donuts are delicious.
ME: (munching on a donut while crying) But I wanted the iPod
KARLA: Aw c’mon Ade, there are like fifty bloggers there and one iPod.
ME: But youy see, I have ID# 1079! And the winner’s ID was 1078! I am emo!!! [stops crying lone enough to stuff my face with another donut]
AJAY: You seem so contented enough with the donuts. And you have a nano.
ME: I’m a [stuffs two donuts into mouth] loser.
AARON: Here. Slash your wrists already! [hands me a dinner knife]
ME: No way man.

And so ends my pathetic desire to get a new iPod just weeks after I bought me a nano.

But
iPod-emoness aside, it was fun. I was finally able to meet some of the
people whose blogs I’ve been reading for the last year or so. And it
was surprising that some people who I thought didn’t know I existed
went up to me and said that they actually read my blog. I salute them
for their valor. I mean, after all the creepy stuff I posted here, I
was thinking that being in the same room with me would scare some
people away.

But I think they mostly wanted to see if I really had man boobs.

I also noticed that the most whispered line in the Parteeh was “Siya pala un!”

Continue reading ‘Emo After the Blog Parteeh‘

Dear DtH,

I
have never been laid in my life. Ever. I mean, I try to make a move and
get some every now and then, but I really can’t. Pathetic. you see, I’m
just an ugly piece of crap and I’m never gonna get the taste of a
female in my life ever.

Human, that is.

You see, I was passing by my grandma’s farm the other day,
and I saw this cow. And well, she was the finest specimen of bovine
meat ever. And I’m using “meat” liberally. So I went to the cow, and I
got a whiff it’s aroma… and… and… and…
I’m not gonna go into the specifics, but let me just say grandma caught
the cow and me with my pants down and we’re getting married this week.
I want a HUMAN wife, DtH!

What have I gotten myself into?! (please, no “beef curtain” puns)

– Desperate for Bovine

Continue reading ‘Down The Highway: An Advice Column for Emos - 7‘

So I was on my way home yesterday and I was looking for an FX taxi.
It had been a long day and I was tired and was willing to elbow my way
into any mode of transportation just to get home and catch some z’s.
Unfortunately, 7pm in Espana Avenue isn’t really an ideal time to catch
a ride, mainly because the entire Quiapo population would converge in
Espana, usually to frustrate the heck out of me (and probably stick a
knife up my ribs to rob me of my money).

So I saw this FX taxi, which had one passenger alighting. And then, I
saw seven or eight Quiapo denizens swarming on the taxi like flies. I
took the chance. I immediately took my action-star pose (which probably
didn’t look half as dramatic as I hoped because of my potbelly) and did
my action star sprint (again, the awesomeness was hampered because my
manboobs were jiggling). Lo and behold, the people jumped out of my
way! I jumped into the seat, and closed the door.

Read More

I’m curious what you guys are listening to. So open up your iTunes
(or whatever music player you’ve got installed), and go to the “Top 25
Most Played” playlist (or your player’s equivalent). And tell me what’s
your #1 song in that list, and how many times you’ve played it. As a
bonus, you can also tell me what’s the song currently playing as you
read this. Screenshots NOT mandatory.

Here’s mine, by the way: “Night and Day” by Lisa Ono, which played
for a measly 39 times (I had to reinstall iTunes, see?). And my current
song playing is “Fuck Her Gently” by Tenacious D.

So, what’s yours?

Just some Noisy, Noisy Nostalgia from my archives:

Da Vinci Strikes Back

  Well, Sophie, that was one great honeymoon, wasn’t it?

Oh yeah, Robert, it would’ve been great for me as well if only you
didn’t try to decipher every single pretty clue coming your way.

  What the hell are you talking about?

  What were you doing inside the bathtub of that gorgeous Swiss woman at room 856, huh?

Continue Reading ‘Da Vinci Strikes Back’

“Oh my God! This dress is just so divine!!!”

This is the phrase that would make most men cringe with agony. You
and your girl are on a date, debating the fine line between barbarism
and justice with Saddam’s execution (something you know absolutley
nothing about, but pretend to be a genius on so you can finally get
laid) when you suddenly pass by Mango. And just like that, you are
suddenly forgotten and suddenly the world seems to revolve around the
amazingly overpriced jeans, shirts, fur coats, and other merchandise
that they sell. But you’d suddenly make a rude reentry in her universe
come payment time.

“Buy. It. For. Me. PLEEEEEEEEEEASE?!”

The aftermath of said reentry in her universe would be:

• Your diet would consist of Lucky Me instant noodles until the next payday
• You’d be selling your house (and your mother) so you’d be able to afford your laundry
• You’re riding a bike to be able to go to your office in Makati. You live in Bulacan.
• Basically, you can afford buying her ten more dresses in that price
  range, but you’re just a miser and you pretend to blame her for your
  apparent poverty just for kicks.

So, how to avoid the dreaded shopping request?

Continue reading ‘Troubleshooting Your Girl: When Women Go Shopping‘

2006 was quite a year wasn’t it? I mean, it’s the year I started blogging seriously and look where it’s taken me.

By “where it’s taken me”, I mean a restraining order, pending libel
lawsuit and a meeting with the office psychiatrist. Not to mention the
fact that I’m out of the will and my family’s changing their last name
out of shame. Because I’m messed-up like that, yo.

So how the hell did I end up this way? Well, mainly from these  posts from 2006:

Posts that made people (most notably me) question my sanity:

• Shawarma: A Survival Guide
• Dear Santa
• How to Flunk a Job Interview
• An Open Letter to my Stalker
• “Snakes on a Plane” Can Save Your Marriage!
• An Exclusive Interview with Manny Pacquiao

How I helped men become chick-magnets:

• Impress Girls the David Hasselhoff Way
• Troubleshooting Your Girl: Read Her Mind!
• Troubleshooting Your Girl: Your Wallet Beckons
• Troubleshooting your Girl: PMS
• How to Get a Date on Valentine’s Day
• The Entire Down The Highway: An Advice Column for Emos series

I love movies. Very much.

• Brokeback Mountain in 15 Minutes
• Da Vinci Strikes Back

My take on current issues:

• I Love Spoons. *giggle*
• December 22 is Global Orgasm Day

Other questionable stuff that could get me fired:

• OMG HOTDOG LOL
• A Day in the Life of Batman and Robin
• I Love Pasta. But not that much.
• The Many Uses of Bananaque
• The Clueless Wonders of the Blogosphere
• Things I’ve Learned From Steven Seagal

Also, this is my blogging highlight of 2006.

So, what’s your favorite article? No, not from my blog, silly. From yours.

"Information. Can I help you?" "I’d like the number of the Theater Guild, please."
"One moment, please." Pause. "I’m sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."
"No, no. It isn’t a person. It’s an organization. It’s Theater Guild."
"I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."
"Not *Theodore*! *Theater*!
The word is *theater*. T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"
"That, *sir*, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."